Editor’s note: Light at the end of the tunnel time, folks — nearly back to regular access, and in the meantime, we can enjoy the most batshit insane stunt I’ve ever pulled.

People on the internet: What business brought you here? I stayed up all night working on a draft of a new book based on the Structured Query Language for databases! That’s because, some days, I take an envelope out of the box and I PUSH IT. I notice you are leaving! Could my conversational stylings be partially to blame?? Hah hah, I guess I was being kind of silly! any event in which I was embarrassed is now non-canon. I’ve also retroconned my name to be “Mister Awesome”, by the way!

It occurs to me… Today is a good day I think to talk about DINOSAUR COMICS Your whole family is made out of meat, an allegorical comic and comic allegory Dude! It’s SO GOOD. Holy crap yes! I was like, “Aaaaaahhhh!” “HELLO T-REX” What is the attraction to this structure of humour? I think this is very symbolic for… something! Is it a metaphor? My friend, I am simply asking the questions that need to be asked!

Here is a hypothetical situation: T-REX AS CULTURAL CRITIC: maybe he’s got this weird fetishistic cultural interest in inefficient, repressive institutions. You were raised on fairy tales, where there were no moral grey areas, where good and bad were clear, where there was never any real doubt over which side would win in the end! That’s a pretty crazy theory! Extraordinary claims require extraordinary proof! Imagine my dismay at coming to such a realization!

What are you saying that’s original? The thought DID cross my mind! I have surprised even myself! Argh! So frustrated! Well, this has been quite the anagnorisis (a moment of recognition or discovery)! To summarize: Fuuuuck I’m screwed! I’m pooched, man! I’m pooched! Being pooched is akin to being screwed! C’est vraiment incroyable, ça! I must guard against such self-absorption in the future! I GUESS THERE IS A LESSON HERE FOR US ALL!

Why are you so interested in this, anyway? Seriously everyone! How come? However, that will be more than enough excitement for me! Any final comments, T-Rex? T-REX AND HIS WACKY DINOSAUR FRIENDS Five stars! Are you jealous of my mutant dinosaur powers? T-REX WINS! Wooo! I declare: high fives all around! FINALLY: HUGS AND KISSES! Aww! Come’ere you!

Editor’s note: Set the Wayback Machine for March of 2006, as we have a bit of fun with Cryptostraubian apophenia.

More of the discussion on syndication coming soon, folks.

But first, with a apologies to whichever lit-crit school it is that declares authorial intent irrelevant (I never learned those things; I went to nerd school), I draw your attention to today’s Starslip Crisis. Clearly, Kristofer Straub is taking the opportunity to kick T Campbell while he’s hurting and should be enjoying himself.

Proof: The character’s a southern “colonel”, and T went to college in Virginia, which is in the South. The character is a discusser of indie arts, that’s webcomics and indy comics. He’s named Samuel Q Breckenridge, which can be anagrammed to A BRICK DE MENSE REQ GUL: a brick de [French for “of”] Mense [typo of MENSA, T is a member] req[ires] gul[libility]. Clearly, an attack on T. For the sake of all that’s holy, look at the man’s tie — all he’s missing is an ascot that spells out “Campbell”!

It all makes perfect sense, doesn’t it?

Editor’s note: Still with the lack of regular access? Yep. But let’s dip the ladle of recollection into the bucket of history once again, as a young Gary first meets Chris Hastings and they talk of The Great Outdoor Fight.

So I was talking with a guy at the Andy Bell opening because he was wearing a Great Outdoor Fight shirt. “Nice shirt,” I said. “Thanks,” he replied, “What do you think is going to happen next?”

In truth, I told him, I had no idea. Everything we know, the entire storied legend of the Great Outdoor Fight, has been revealed in little pieces since Mrs Smuckles let slip a choice tidbit over Rib-eye and Chablis less than two months ago. And it’s always dangerous to predict what Chris Onstad is thinking; the only prediction I would make is that he would take the story in a completely unexpected direction. Ergo: The Jeeps. Like every other aspect of the Great Outdoor Fight (too big a fight to be constrained by acronym or abbreviation), this is new to us, but not to Roast Beef.

Ray, in his ignorance, is more than willing to face The Jeeps … or is that the real reason at all? Does he not appreciate the dangers that they face? Hard to believe, since Beef has filled him in; could he possibly be sincere in his defiant bellow:

Man, fuck those guys! The hell they’re gonna say how this Fight is won! BRING ON THE JEEPS, GOD DAMN YOU!

Ray, of all people, is trying to rebel against the system instead of gaming it or weaseling for advantage. He’s taking something like a principled stand here, maybe only because he doesn’t realize the import of The Jeeps. Beef, of all people, might be pushed by sheer terror to putting a major beatdown on Ray rather than face The Jeeps (and to save Ray’s life, but will he recognize that?). Or, given that it’s Achewood and death is malleable (especially where Beef is concerned), and the fact that keys are being passed around, maybe we see two more grave markers southeast of the Acres.

“Why should the Fight get to say how the Fight is won or lost! Become the ruling body, dude!” is no less impressive than “Give me Liberty or give me Death!” “Beat your best friend since small times ’til he can’t crawl, see or cry … or Death” doesn’t have quite the same ring, but it looks like Hobson had nothing on Beef’s Choice.

Editor’s note: Gary’s lack of regular internet access continues, so please enjoy a dip into the past. This one is about a heinous crime visited upon webcomics by a villain of the first order (a fact only confirmed by his enormous height, looming over decent folk and webcomickers like a malevolent mountain). In fact, since this piece was first written in early 2007, the problem has only gotten worse. Do the math. Follow the trail. The end is coming.

Editor’s note: Gary’s away from regular internet access just now, so enjoy this dip into the Fleen archives. It’s an early piece of writing he thinks was pretty neat, and with the recent return of the comic in question from hiatus, somewhat timely.

Editor’s note: Hey, popping up for a minute here to say dammit, looks like pre-written scheduled entries strip out the links and alt-text from the pix. You can get TAODMV2SS from the Raptor Bandit Industries store at Topatoco, and HTMW from any of the four creators. DNE is not available yet, but you can eventually get it from The Creatures In My Head. Links to be fixed in all posts when the time presents itself, and Fleen apologizes for the inconvenience.

All that you need to know about The Adventures of Dr McNinja, Volume 2 — Surgical Strike by Chris Hastings and Kent Archer (cover by the unreasonably talented Carly Monardo, with a bonus story by Benito Cereno) is that it features all of the following:

• A child menaced by otherworldly monsters
• Not one, not two, but three ninjas on fire
• A gorilla and a raptor fighting over hot dogs
• The most awesome ninja in the world gaining authority by means of his moustache
• Death, maître d’ of the afterlife
• Hos that die, because that is one of a handful of things that hos do (bonus story only)
• A clearly expressed desire by the hero to grab the villain by his ponytail then twirl him around a few times and let go so he flies off and lands on a pile of something sharp or something that explodes or even just off a cliff (all but one of these happens)

Plus more face kicks, explosions, and beatdowns than you can count. This book is made of pure awesome. The only way it could be made better is if the paper stock were slightly thicker, as the comic does feature some pretty substantial black fills, and there was a little bit of bleed-through.

This does not matter in the long run. If there were any more kicking and things blowing up in this book, it would have to be written by Warren Ellis.