Here’s an interesting statistic for you readers. According to an international survey conducted by HawtPowls.com, the current webcomics boning frequency is as high as 2 on any given day. That’s right: as many times as you bathe in a week, there are at least that many webcartoonists and/or webcomics personalities getting it on every single day. Wrap your inter-noggin around that little equation.

If you’re feeling left out, it’s probably because you’re not in the loop. An important part of any would-be-boner’s success is keeping up with the latest “haps” in the online community. Do you know who’s “2 single 2 mingle”? Tuesday does.

Well, sort of. The fact is, for some reason, the majority of women in this field don’t make information about their personal lives public. Like, at all! I know!

What would drive an individual, let alone an entire gender, to shy away from an opportunity to be a public spectacle? What parallels could possibly be drawn between the availability of public information and the creepy, stalker-like nature of introverted males? If you somehow see a relationship here – well, there’s a whole world of consensual sex you are missing out on.

So I’d like to put out an open call to the women of webcomics. Tell the internet your problems. Flaunt your insecurities. Make yourself remarkably desirable! There is a clustering wealth of male specimens growing from the finest pores of the internet’s back, yet you are literally scrubbing them away with a loofah of willful ignorance. Get inside the loop, sisters. And make with the stats. See if we can’t get this bad boy up to 3 by the end of the month.

As spring rolls around, I take a moment to reflect on the year-to-year trials of struggling online authors. Let us never forget the efforts of these brave souls, relentlessly striving beyond the constraints of time, finances, and common sense. Never losing sight of the acclaim, popularity, and substantial wages –- and boning — they deserve.

Melonpool is one of the oldest comics on the internet, and it’s been at war with itself from the start. Creator Steve Troop has spent a decade or more careening wildly through space, seeking the unseekable Fan Quadrant 7 in the Sector of Livable Wages. And all the way we’ve rooted for him, hoping beyond hope that every last Gilligan’s-Island-Meets-Star-Trek enthusiast would sit up and take notice for his cause.

Alas, finding a niche for an obscure comic is about as hard to find as an authentic girl in #worldofwarcraft. As of 2006, Troop has called it quits on the comic-making part of his life, and is ready to move on. With one hand nested snugly between the thighs of a felt doll, and the other furiously typing away — the former comic artist has entered into the realm of puppetry.

And I can’t say I blame him. As I said, Mr. Troop has just come out of a long, excruciating war with comics. The baby boom is inevitable.

Already, multiple puppets have found their ways into the hearts, minds, and personal space of webcartoonists and known artists alike. At this time next year, an interview with Mayberry or his irritable companion Ralph could be the newfound ticket on a rocket ship to Success’ 3rd moon.

Surely I’m not alone when I offer Steve and his Puppets the best luck in all of their endeavors. If Sesame Street, Star Wars and Avenue Q have taught us anything, it’s that puppets can drone, clone, and bone like nothing else.

Come back next week for our HOT gossip issue! You will not believe what Andrew Bell does with vinyl toys.

Ever since the dawning of mankind, webcomics have been a source of entertainment, annoyance, and charity-based profit for artists and readers alike. I have always been one to embrace the uninhibited work of amateurs, and the masturbatory pool of commentary it generates. But for all the discussion, community and horrifying cosplay, do we ever talk about the important issues? The issues people care about?

The boning?

I was poolside in Laguna Beach when Gary Tyrrell, Fleen’s frontman, rang me up last month. He told me the internet was losing its edge, and I was inclined to agree. “Gar,‿ I queried, “isn’t it about time you featured something people actually want to read?‿ Five martinis later I’d hammered out the details of what would soon be the most significant venture in the history of webcomics journalism.

It didn’t really look as great the morning after. Nonetheless! Let’s get started.

The this week is that Oh No Robot founders Ryan North and T. Campbell are, as we say in the industry, splitting up. Lack of demand for an advertising department is cited as the reason for the separation. Sources say that North calls this parting of ways “a good breakup… the kind of breakup where you still get to be friends, where you can meet each other at a party and laugh.‿

Campbell chimes in as well, saying “I’m still a huge fan of ONR, and a huge fan of [Ryan’s]: he’s one of the finest minds and nicest people I’ve ever met.‿ The former couple will be dividing up the source code, and custody of the site will remain with North (though Campbell will have 24-hour visitation privileges).

There’s more at play here than fancy scripts and adorable mascots. A relationship so ambitious in this business doesn’t end on such heart-warming terms. (Once you’ve worked closely with someone in webcomics, you’ve accumulated enough bad memories to fill a GMail account.) But I commend North and Campbell for their ability to stay cool. Just so long as they know we’ll eagerly jump on any rebound websites they might form.

Tune in next week for more boning! And please send us your dirt, because you know you want to.