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Fleen Book Corner: A Blizzard Of Lizards

From my email outbox:

To: David Kellett <>
Subject: satisfaction issue

Mr Kellett,

It is my understanding that you promise 100% satisfaction with purchases of your various “Sheldon” merchandise. Regrettably, I must inform you that I have NOT achieved 100% satisfaction with my purchase of your latest book, A Blizzard of Lizards.

The book itself arrived in pristine condition, with a smooth, silky feel to the cover, which is worth at least 30% satisfaction. Although the heaviness of the cover stock is obviously protective and lends a reassuring “heft” to the volume, it is perhaps slightly too stiff to easily bend in the hand during reading. This unfortunately makes the volume approximately 4% less satisfying.

The sketch in the inside front cover of this Artist’s Edition (#99/250) was suitably rendered, especially considering that vast numbers you must have had to produce in a short period of time. Call me 20% more satisfied as a result.

The content of the strip, as always, is exemplary in terms of the total entertainment derived, along with scoring consistently high on the standard LOLs per page per minute scale (LOLpppm), contributing another 57% satisfaction. The innovative use of re-arranging and englarging selected panels in strips to completely fill pages and emphasize gags (as seen most …

You’ll have to pardon me for a moment, that Linus and Lucy song is playing on the radio, and I must dance.

… clearly in the printed collections of your colleague Brad Guigar’s Evil, Inc. strip) adds 8% more to the overall satisfaction.

Finally, the bonus story, the sexy, sexy signed photo of Arthur the duck, and the examples of strips translated into Norwegian all contribute a final 5% satisfaction.

And here I hope you can see the problem, Mr Kellett — far from being 100% satisfied, I find myself 116% satisfied, a discrepancy of nearly one part in six! Surely, a craftsman of your skill is appalled by hitting so wide of the mark, and I must ask at this time that you contact me directly so that we may find a way to make good on your promise of 100% satisfaction. Your good-faith suggestions are welcome, but may I suggest that you spend 10 minutes hurling pinecones at an innocent puppy? That should about do it.


Gary Tyrrell
The Internet

I don’t know if it’s a good thing that every time Dave Kellett releases a book I know it will not only be glowingly “reviewed” here, but reviewed in the most deferential way possible. Are we supposed to buy this book just because you two are friends? It’s not that I’m saying you should trash it, I’d just like to hear about it in a way that does it and the medium justice. This is just you patting him on the back.

I myself was 147% satisfied, but to be fair, Dave Kellett is servicing me sexually on a fairly regular basis.

You butt kisser Gary. ;)

If it were more suitable, André, I’m happy to post an entirely contradictory review, in which I make it abundantly clear that not only have I read the book in question, I don’t even read the strip…

I mean, I would indulge in such foolery only in the interests of the readership, you understand. And I think it would provide a fair and balanced viewpoint, yes?

There actually used to be some ‘journalism’ to this site. A shame. Maybe you should just officially join Dumbrella, Halfpixel and BLC Gary?

I think it might, Jeff. It doesn’t have to be contradictory, but it would be nice to get a different take.

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